Monday, July 09, 2007

More on Type A & B addicts, 12 steps, and trauma

This was originally a response to some comments to "ptsd, AA, and different types of addicts" that grew too long, so it became a post. If you're curious, or want to try and convince me that my experience is wrong ;^), you can read more about my thoughts on PTSD and 12-step programs, the Christian basis of AA's "spirituality", and why I finally decided, after 17 years, to leave 12 step approaches, a difficult decision.

anonymous at 9:17 pm said:
I believe that AA can help anyone to sobriety and a life worth living.

Oh dear, the type A AAs have found us :)
...There ARE AA members experienced with PTSD. Value your own recovery enough to seek them out.

Indeed, during the seventeen years I attended AA I did find some people who knew personally what PTSD was and they were a tremendous help. I also met a lot of crazy people who thought because their way of doing things wasn't working for me that I was doing something wrong...kind of like you are here.
If it were easy, EVERYONE would be sober and sane.
a little condescension to help you endear yourself to us struggling misguided fools who don't do things your way....
... But sobriety and life are worth the effort. ...Find the people in AA who relate to who you are and where you've been. They are there.
Translation for type Bs: You are doing it wrong if you are not doing it my (anonymous's) way -- oops, I mean, the AA way, and you're not sober or sane unless you go through AA. Thanks, but no thanks. Been there done that. That is what the post explains if you could see through the haze a bit. If you go by the slogans, I might suggest "live and let live" to the anonymous poster here...Things only got saner and better for me after I left AA. That seems to be threatening somehow, and of course the type A response is that I didn't do it right. Well excuse my French, but fuck that. I've now been sober over 22 years, the last five without AA. I got a lot out of AA and gave a lot back, but it became more harm than help, to the point that my worst days sober were as bad or worse than the low points of my addiction, which included homelessness, hallucinations, lot's of "lucky to have lived through that"s, and lots of drug induced emotional and physical injury, so I left. Mind you, I wouldn't trade those awfullest sober days in for the druggy ones -- I learned a lot of hard-bought things about people and --I can't think of anything else to call it...sickness just doesn't capture the true extent -- evil from the hard times of my sobriety.

If I remember right, and I do, the definition of insanity I learned in AA was "to keep repeating the same things over and expect different results." Working things through the aa way became exactly this form of insanity. At a certain point the aa way...steps, spirituality, constant meetings, the whole thing that I was doing with the best of them...just wasn't working, again and again, no matter how hard I tried or how close I hewed to the big book and the rooms.

Maybe I'll drink tomorrow. I saw plenty of twenty and thirty year AA-ers go out and drink too. I plan on staying clean and sober, as I value the life it has granted me immensely now that I have been able to stay clear of the craziness and harm I encountered in AA. If it works for you, well bless you, go forth....I probably would have sided with you the first 5, 10, or 15 years I was sober. I was wrong, and I humbly submit that you are too if you think AA is a one stop shop with the answers for everyone's recovery. Open yer mind a little, please.

the next anonymous said:
But to say that the person with PTSD is .."almost exclusively harming themselves..." is denial at its greatest. It takes courage to ask for help.

Just for clarity sake, that quote within the quote is from another commentator, not something I said, though I said something similar. I agree with the wife of the PTSD sufferer, and I am sure my own partner would too, as she endured a lot of agony in supporting me through the worst of my PTSD. I am forever grateful for that...It has taught me what love really is in many ways, so if you are truly supporting the recovery -- and recovery can happen -- of a PTSD-er, well then props to you! Its a huge task and takes a lot of love and understanding.

I was referring, and I think the commentator was too, to the sort of perverse tendency Type Bs have of trying to make amends to their perpetrators. In my case that included members of my family. They are the ones who are in denial, not me. And to live as they would have me would kill me, quite literally, and they would rather see that than see what they did. I just stay far away now, which is sad, but I have developed a wonderful family of choice and made a life for myself with room for all of who I am.

When I was in the worst stages of my addiction, and my recovery, I isolated like the commentator, and any pain I caused my perpetrators was probably from pangs of guilt more than anything else. I managed to keep everyone else away from me. I didn't have anyone because I didn't think I was worth anything to anyone, and created a self-fulfilling prophecy. When I stopped drinking and drugging, this left me real vulnerable to a particular type of misanthropic, often charlatan, type of person who can be found in or around any AA anywhere (I had home groups in four different cities over the years). Mind you, I'm not saying all AA is like that, just that all AA attracts such people, and they prey on people like I was. I've seen it many times and experienced it more than once before I wised up. These types took some people's lives to get what they wanted and almost got mine. Maybe someday I'll tell that story here, but I try to keep things general so more people can relate and also so as to remain anonymous myself.

Anyway, there was no wife or partner or significant other in my addiction because I thought I was too fucked up to be with anyone -- and I mostly was. Type Bs tend to blame themselves and take on the violence and anger of others as their own. This has ...ummm....negative effects on one's social skills and attractiveness to others. This is what I had to learn to reject and get angry at in order to get better, that the guilt and shame I felt were not mine, but belonged to others, and I would imagine that the commentator was trying to express something similar. I am sure if he or she had people in his or her life, they were affected as you say, but some of us clear everyone out for their own good to protect them from what awful people we have been taught by our perpetrators to believe that we are. Realizing that was a lie, and dumping the evil others had dumped on me in a safe and non-abusive way were key to getting to a place where I could let people in and have real relationships. I could have gone to AA for eternity and I would never have learned what I needed there.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Have you read anything by Stanton Peele? I was doing a search on google "getting over betrayal bonds" and your site came up. It is hell to recognize that the getting out is paramount to actual LIFE, because the entire focus of life has been on the victimizer. I am being wrenched out of a 28 year relationship (24 married) to a medical doctor who is charming, wonderful, considerate, kind, gracious, intelligent...and a liar, casual/serious relationship(s) adulterer, alcoholic who created a whole other life for himself and now the children and I have to find our way out of the hell we have lived--now that he is living with the latest greatest woman ever to have come into his life (she left her husband and children for him in preparation of him leaving me and our children for her). I loathe him and yet I realize he has incredible power in my life and if only I could do this, say that, act this way better, have done, not have done...ad nauseum...this would never have happened. But people who are sociopaths don't know they are sociopaths, I think, and I sure as hell didn't know he was one until this year when it all started to get to be too much. Now I am dealing with trying to find a way to not only survive--but to HEAL--and find a life for myself and my children that is not going to be orbiting around the PAIN in place of orbiting around HIM. Thank you for your posts.

GettingBetter said...

Thanks for your comments, and I wish you the best in getting through the fallout from a traumatic relationship. Never heard of Stanton Peele...will look him up when I have time.

catherine todd said...

Thank you so much for this phenomenal post. You have described so much of what I have experienced when I attended AA for family members meetings... what's it called? All I found what judgment and "do it my way," "do it our way" and "if it's not working for you, it's YOUR PROBLEM, not ours." I was so confused and this made things even worse. You wrote:

"I am sure if he or she had people in his or her life, they were affected as you say, but some of us clear everyone out for their own good to protect them from what awful people we have been taught by our perpetrators to believe that we are. Realizing that was a lie, and dumping the evil others had dumped on me in a safe and non-abusive way were key to getting to a place where I could let people in and have real relationships. I could have gone to AA for eternity and I would never have learned what I needed there."

This is IT in a NUTSHELL. Thank you for your lovely, feeling and deeply philosophical post. I will cherish this always on my own searching and healing journey. God Bless. Yours, Catherine Todd

GettingBetter said...

Thanks Catherine. Glad you found it helpful.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your openness and honesty - and the way you approach people of all kinds in your comments. I think you honestly capture the spirit of the "principles" in doing so. I am sober, in AA and I have found a way to work through my own PTSD through using the 12 steps and outside help together. I also see where this doesn't work for many others, and believe AA is not a catch-all. Your story is a good example of this, so I thank you for sharing it. There will be many people who have not found the hope they were seeking in AA - and like you stated, many will find themselves preyed upon by the sociopathic types that are drawn to groups like AA - and your story can provide them hope AND direction.

GettingBetter said...

someone left an anonymous comment but it disappeared. If the author sees this and wants it deleted, leave another anonymous comment saying to delete it and I will delete this and that. Anyway, here is the comment:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you for your openness and honesty - and the way you approach people of all kinds in your comments. I think you honestly capture the spirit of the "principles" in doing so. I am sober, in AA and I have found a way to work through my own PTSD through using the 12 steps and outside help together. I also see where this doesn't work for many others, and believe AA is not a catch-all. Your story is a good example of this, so I thank you for sharing it. There will be many people who have not found the hope they were seeking in AA - and like you stated, many will find themselves preyed upon by the sociopathic types that are drawn to groups like AA - and your story can provide them hope AND direction.
~Anonymous