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This is sort of the "best of" section where I'll link to the blog entries people seem to read the most. Perhaps I ought to have a page on "What is PTSD" but lots of others have already done that, so I'll just my favorite, a glossary from the Sidhran Institute [link checked 7/12/20].
Two notes before we begin. First, I am not a professional. I have kept this blog to share my experience with PTSD, but I cannot help you directly if you are suffering from PTSD. I only check in here intermittently and it breaks my heart to see someone plea for help and get no response. Please, if you are in crisis, call 911. If you are looking for treatment or direct help, please contact the Sidran Institute. They are an excellent resource and can help you find appropriate treatment. If you are finding out about PTSD in yourself or another and want to know what my experience has been, read on.
Second, if you make comments that contain negative statements about people at various facilities by name, I will not publish them. Stay general, and even say there are problematic people to avoid, but no names. Probably best to leave out names of people you consider praiseworthy too. Self-promoting comments or links to link farms or anything that is the least bit suspicious will be deleted. I err on the side of caution. That said, there is a wonderful compendium of knowledge and wisdom in the comments, so thank you to all who have shared there over the years, and please feel free to continue commenting as you see fit. They are one of the great rewards of writing this blog!
People in crisis often want to know where they can get help. Grounding exercises for PTSD can help get us through the short term. Here is a way of finding US and global treatment centers that specialize in PTSD. That is of course assuming you are privileged enough to have access to these resources. Not everyone is. And in case I forget next winter, here are some tips on PTSD and the holidays. One of the most disturbing symptoms of PTSD is flashbacks, especially when they result in "non-epilectic seizures" or what a doctor might have called "pseudo-seizures," though there is nothing "pseudo" about them.
If you are looking to help a loved one diagnosed with PTSD, you might want to read my open letter to someone looking to help a loved one with PTSD. My partner, who is a key part of my loving and supportive network of friends, has been absolutely critical to my ongoing recovery, and I share some of the ways she has both helped me when I could not help myself and some of the unfortunate costs she has paid as a result of my PTSD. It is a hard road, but we have come through stronger than ever, so there is hope.
Picking a therapist can be difficult for someone with PTSD, because often times the PTSD itself messes with our pickers. Through necessity and trial and error and generous borrowing of other people's wisdom, I've come up with a brief subjective guide on how to choose a therapist for ptsd. It contains links to some other, less subjective guides too.
Along with getting medical and psychological help, medication helped get me stabilized even though I was really resistant to it because of being a recovering addict. I wasn't resistant to trying Effexor, and kind of wish I had been (see Battle of the Effexor and Joy of Meds: Effexor withdrawal) I have quite a bit to say about PTSD and 12-step programs. While 12-step programs saved my life, I found that their one-size-fits-all model did more harm than good after the initial haze of the drugs and alcohol wore off. There is more than one type of addict (and some more on the subject here). And although it claims not to hew any one denominational line, it is based on Christianity in some ways that were harmful to my recovery. I finally decided to leave 12 step approaches, a difficult decision. In hindsight, however, some of the most exploitative folks I ever met were from the halls of twelve step rooms and the addictions recovery industry. Spiritual and psychological abuse are real and create huge barriers to recovery. Just to be sure, I tried a few alternatives to 12 step approaches that were promising but fizzled out, so I tried again, home group and everything, The results were the same, but magnified in a way that really drove the point home. For the past few years, I have found an Al-Anon home group that takes care to welcome everyone and not get caught up in "my way or the highway thinking. It turns out that my main problem, as long as I don't pick up, is not with substances, but with addicted dysfunctional people, so this Al-Anon has turned into a real home group for me. Might not work for everyone, but it is working for me.
Betrayal bonds form a major part of PTSD as I have experienced it, so I've spent a lot of time writing about them. You might have heard of this as Stockholm syndrome. They take a number of different forms. Fully understanding the nature and effects of betrayal was key to beginning my recovery from PTSD. While the guy who wrote the book on betrayal bonds associates them with sexual addiction, I have found this ain't necessarily so.
If you are interested, I can tell you more about my PTSD. Some days are still rough (skin-crawling, time-wasting, losing time, etc) but I have found a certain amount of recovery, and my life is once again bearable, even enjoyable on good days. And I'm still here, yes still here, and even now, still here. Partly it depends on which dogs I feed. It also helps to have a loving and supportive network of friends. Oh, and to stay far away from toxic relationships.
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Sunday, August 13, 2023
Friday, March 13, 2009
exploitative folks in 12 step programs and elsewhere
Once again, somebody's comments sparked a post from what started as a simple response. Anon, thanks for your comments on this page and and on the "type A&B" page. In a nutshell, she said thanks for the heads up as she tended to trust 12 step folks blindly and had not realized there were some exploitative types in the rooms.
I really need to tread a fine line...AA and 12 step programs saved my life at one time, but nearly cost it another. I managed to get sober there when I could not under my own steam no matter how hard I tried. I'm forever grateful for that, because it has made the rest of my life possible, painful as parts have been.
That said, the most manipulative, scheming, two faced, fair weather friend type people I have ever met, straight or high, have been in 12 step programs or the addictions recovery field. I had the blind trust anon talks about -- after all, these people had literally saved my life and I knew it! And there are some great, decent, and honest people in AA. There are also used car salesmen (I bought a lemon from a guy who used 12-speak and AA "seniority" to get me to trust him when making a purchase I wished I hadn't), spiritual abusers ("when I f&%*ed you over it was God's will"), therapists ( did anyone ever notice that the word spells "the rapist?" -- just kidding sort of...while several of my therapists were akin to rapists, others I have learned to choose have been remarkably helpful) willing to rip up families to make a few thousand bucks, even to the point of driving the abandoned ones to suicide ("oh she was messed up...good thing he left her when he did!"), and this is before even getting to romantic relationships, where as I said, because of my tendency toward trauma repetition, and never having been around healthy people to know any better, and my blind trust in 12 step folk, I got involved with the sickest most twisted people I have ever met in my life. I'm still trying to sort it out 15-20 years later!
I would never tell anyone to avoid all relationships with recovering people...there are some healthy ones I am sure (plus I'm one!), but tread carefully! Trust slowly and cautiously if at all. Trust is earned and provisional, based on actions not words, and not granted eternally, just for now. Pay attention...don't disregard your common sense and intuition...a major part of my recovery has been to slowly reclaim those things...if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.
The thing is, I was so needy and vulnerable, even 5-6 years into recovery, that I ignored all this and rather than waiting and going slowly, I dove in and trusted blindly because I did not know how to develop earned trust over time rather than just give it or withhold it arbitrarily. As a result, I got in traumatic relationships again and again (twice in recovery, to be exact) that I am still struggling with much later. They very nearly cost me my life. They did cost hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost work time when I just could not function because of the results of them. They caused unbearable and completely unnecessary pain and a number of trips to psyche wards and a trauma treatment center. When I have told people the details, they have been amazed that I didn't pick up over this stuff...many just assumed I had. One person I respect a lot, an earth person (i.e., not in 12 step programs) said the last perpetrator was an emotional rapist.
But honestly, I don't know if I could have taken the advice I am giving now, because I was stubborn and thought if I did not get somebody *now* I'd be alone forever. Looking back, I would have been better off alone, but I needed to learn it the hard way I guess. And even today, knowing what I know, I don't know that if I were single and put in the same situation I wouldn't repeat my mistake again. I like to think I have learned better, but I don't know that. I am just glad I am in a healthy non-abusive relationship for a long time and don't have to face that particular weakness in myself.
It is a funny thing...the healthy relationship didn't come with all the drama, risk, and emotional highs -- or lows -- that the sick relationships did, so it took me literally years to figure out that all that drama and ball of hurt I was used to was not an intrinsic part of human relationships! I thought I was missing something and I guess I was. To be honest I missed the rush, just like a drug, but also to be honest, I have learned I certainly don't miss the consequences.
I just have to say, over the few years I have intermittently written this blog, I have been continuously gratified that there are other people who understand. One of the worst parts of my PTSD was thinking I was alone and hopeless and crazy. So thank you to all of you who have commented over the years. You keep me thinking and writing about this stuff, which helps me work stuff through, and I am grateful that something helpful to others has come out of something so insufferable.
I really need to tread a fine line...AA and 12 step programs saved my life at one time, but nearly cost it another. I managed to get sober there when I could not under my own steam no matter how hard I tried. I'm forever grateful for that, because it has made the rest of my life possible, painful as parts have been.
That said, the most manipulative, scheming, two faced, fair weather friend type people I have ever met, straight or high, have been in 12 step programs or the addictions recovery field. I had the blind trust anon talks about -- after all, these people had literally saved my life and I knew it! And there are some great, decent, and honest people in AA. There are also used car salesmen (I bought a lemon from a guy who used 12-speak and AA "seniority" to get me to trust him when making a purchase I wished I hadn't), spiritual abusers ("when I f&%*ed you over it was God's will"), therapists ( did anyone ever notice that the word spells "the rapist?" -- just kidding sort of...while several of my therapists were akin to rapists, others I have learned to choose have been remarkably helpful) willing to rip up families to make a few thousand bucks, even to the point of driving the abandoned ones to suicide ("oh she was messed up...good thing he left her when he did!"), and this is before even getting to romantic relationships, where as I said, because of my tendency toward trauma repetition, and never having been around healthy people to know any better, and my blind trust in 12 step folk, I got involved with the sickest most twisted people I have ever met in my life. I'm still trying to sort it out 15-20 years later!
I would never tell anyone to avoid all relationships with recovering people...there are some healthy ones I am sure (plus I'm one!), but tread carefully! Trust slowly and cautiously if at all. Trust is earned and provisional, based on actions not words, and not granted eternally, just for now. Pay attention...don't disregard your common sense and intuition...a major part of my recovery has been to slowly reclaim those things...if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.
The thing is, I was so needy and vulnerable, even 5-6 years into recovery, that I ignored all this and rather than waiting and going slowly, I dove in and trusted blindly because I did not know how to develop earned trust over time rather than just give it or withhold it arbitrarily. As a result, I got in traumatic relationships again and again (twice in recovery, to be exact) that I am still struggling with much later. They very nearly cost me my life. They did cost hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost work time when I just could not function because of the results of them. They caused unbearable and completely unnecessary pain and a number of trips to psyche wards and a trauma treatment center. When I have told people the details, they have been amazed that I didn't pick up over this stuff...many just assumed I had. One person I respect a lot, an earth person (i.e., not in 12 step programs) said the last perpetrator was an emotional rapist.
But honestly, I don't know if I could have taken the advice I am giving now, because I was stubborn and thought if I did not get somebody *now* I'd be alone forever. Looking back, I would have been better off alone, but I needed to learn it the hard way I guess. And even today, knowing what I know, I don't know that if I were single and put in the same situation I wouldn't repeat my mistake again. I like to think I have learned better, but I don't know that. I am just glad I am in a healthy non-abusive relationship for a long time and don't have to face that particular weakness in myself.
It is a funny thing...the healthy relationship didn't come with all the drama, risk, and emotional highs -- or lows -- that the sick relationships did, so it took me literally years to figure out that all that drama and ball of hurt I was used to was not an intrinsic part of human relationships! I thought I was missing something and I guess I was. To be honest I missed the rush, just like a drug, but also to be honest, I have learned I certainly don't miss the consequences.
I just have to say, over the few years I have intermittently written this blog, I have been continuously gratified that there are other people who understand. One of the worst parts of my PTSD was thinking I was alone and hopeless and crazy. So thank you to all of you who have commented over the years. You keep me thinking and writing about this stuff, which helps me work stuff through, and I am grateful that something helpful to others has come out of something so insufferable.
Friday, November 11, 2005
ptsd and meds
[2/2010: one reader asked for people to share what has and has not worked for them concerning meds. If you have had good or bad experience with any particular prescribed meds, share it in the comments please.]
I've been some sort of human guinea pig for the better part of a decade. After one trip to the mental hospital I went on Prozac when that first came out. I didn't like it and quit after a few months. At the time I had no insurance to speak of and didn't trust the mental health profession at all. A few years later, I was trying to get things under control and got diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). They put me on a clinical trial for a drug that was used for something else altogether. I got markedly suicidal, and when I reported that, the doctor would interpret his questionaire number scores and say I was improving, completely ignoring what I was saying! I discontued the drug and the trial. A year or so later, I went to a shrink. The shrink sent me to a psychiatrist, who was this guy who smoked in his office. He barely even met with me and put me on Zoloft. I took it and got suicidal. He upped the dosage, things got worse, so he upped the dosage again and things got worse again. He wanted to up it some more. At this point I quit...He wasn't paying any attention to what was going on with me, just following some formula with the drug being pitched by the pharmaceutical companies that week.
A few years later, right before the ptsd got really bad I decided to go back into therapy, this time with a psychiatrist so he would actually listen to what I was saying. The guy wanted to put me on Celexa and pulled out this tinker toy model of a neurotransmitter reaction (serotonin reuptake inhibition, to be exact) that was right out of the Parke Davis sales kit. It was like Amway or a tupperware party or something. He turned out to be a real jackass and I cursed him out and left mid-session after he did something really unethical concerning my privacy.
After that the ptsd kicked in with the flashbacks and all the other stuff I described yesterday. I didn't want to take any drugs at this point, but we were desperate. My wife did some research and found out some stuff about picking psychiatrists and psychologists and called around, interviewing some people. We finally found a good psychiatrist and therapist. The psychiatrist actually listened to what I said about the previous drugs and tried one that acts on something other than serotonin. So we started with effexor. No side effects from this, but not much in the way of front effects either. I had done some research and suggested we try Naltrexone, a drug used to stop cravings in addicts, thinking that some of my problems (picking and ripping out skin, compulsive masturbation) were maybe related to addiction problems) It helped with those things a little, but not with the main problems.
Then I went to the treatment center I mentioned yesterday, and there they slowly got me on a total cocktail: Effexor, Naltrexone, Wellbutrin, Trazadone to sleep, and zyprexa, an anti-psychotic that finally helped with the flashbacks. Later, we switched the zyprexa to geodon, a related anti-psychotic without some of the side effects. Then a year or so ago, we added seroquel to the mix at night and I worked my way off the trazadone. That helped with the intrusive thinking. So until recently my drug cocktail looked like this: 450mg Welbutrin, 300mg Effexor , 100mg Naltrexone, 140mg Geodon, and 100mg Seroquel. I finally started to get some stability.
My favorite discussion of the drugs is the two anti-psychotics, because the doctors always said it like one word: It is an anti-psychoticbutyournotpsychotic. The flyers for these (the seroquel and the geodon) are kinda scary, because the FDA hasn't approved them for anything but schizophrenia, so that is all they talk about. A little searching around on the web showed anti-psychotics were being tried for ptsd as a "second line" if serotonin-reuptake inhibitors like Prozac and Zoloft didn't work.
Lately I have been trying to cut down some of the dosages. We started with the Geodon, because that made me dopey and gave me a real flat affect. Got that down to 20mg, but the ptsd, depression, and anxiety started to come back so the dose went back up to 40mg. That seems ok. Now We are trying reducing the Seroquel, the other real powerful one. I am down to 50mg on that and so far so good.
[update...Feb. 2010. I am off the Seroquel, but had to reintroduce the Trazodon...I know split the lowest dosage pill (5MG?) in half and take one of those to sleep. Just can't seem to sleep otherwise. I take Seroquel about once every three months or so if I have a really bad day and I'm having intrusive thoughts that won't stop through non-chemical means. Most recently, I phased out the Naltrexone, which seemed to make no difference. Earlier, when I tried to get off Effexor, it was a disaster, so that is staying for the foreseeable future. You should read the two posts on Effexor (Battle of the Effexor and Joy of Meds: Effexor withdrawal) BEFORE going on it, though, so you know what you are in for. So now the cocktail is 40mg Geodon, 150mg Effexor, 300mg Wellbutrin, and 2.5mg Trazodone.] Mazeltof!
What is it like taking so many drugs? My sex drive changed a lot...It kind of went to hell for the most part, but the compulsive parts stopped too, so its a mixed bag. It takes me a year to pee -- no water pressure, -- and I am constantly mildly constipated (sorry for the details). People have noticed I am a lot livelier since cutting down on the geodon, so that is good. Ultimately I'd love to be off them all, but that might not work, and at this point I am willing to face that rather than facing a return to the worst of the ptsd symptoms.
It kind of sucks to have gotten sober for so long and then be reliant on drugs to be able to function, but that is the way it goes. Anyway, any 12-stepper who actually reads the literature knows that if a doctor tells you to take a medicine that you take it, as directed, which is what I do. Some 12 step folks think it is cheating or a cop out, but they don't have to scrape me up off the floor after a flashback either so they can go s....well never mind.
For me, the point of all this is that it paid off to be persistent in finding good people to help me and to have some really supportive people around. I have been really lucky that way. 12 step people talked about being there, but weren't. I was sober for a long time and it freaked people out that I was having problems. Some of them were nice and understanding, but the people that took care of me for real had nothing to do with 12 step programs. They just talked the talk with me and seldom came through. I don't want to get too down on the program, because it did save my life earlier, but it also really screwed me up in terms of trauma and recovery from it. Maybe I'll go into that some other time.
Also, I am privileged. I am at a point in life where not only do I have people that care about me enough to give me the support I need (a lot less these days), but I have insurance to cover the therapy and the real expensive drugs, and found the financial wherewithal to go to treatment even when it wasn't covered by insurance (even though we went into lots of credit card and family debt...my wife's family...my family wouldn't acknowledge that there was a problem). If I hadn't gotten those things, I'd probably be dead, locked up, or homeless. So I am pretty privileged to be walking around and functioning like a regular human being, and I think about that when I see people who are homeless or down and out. That's something I'll have more to say on at some point.
Anyway, if you have read this far, thanks! Let me know that you read it, ok?
I've been some sort of human guinea pig for the better part of a decade. After one trip to the mental hospital I went on Prozac when that first came out. I didn't like it and quit after a few months. At the time I had no insurance to speak of and didn't trust the mental health profession at all. A few years later, I was trying to get things under control and got diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). They put me on a clinical trial for a drug that was used for something else altogether. I got markedly suicidal, and when I reported that, the doctor would interpret his questionaire number scores and say I was improving, completely ignoring what I was saying! I discontued the drug and the trial. A year or so later, I went to a shrink. The shrink sent me to a psychiatrist, who was this guy who smoked in his office. He barely even met with me and put me on Zoloft. I took it and got suicidal. He upped the dosage, things got worse, so he upped the dosage again and things got worse again. He wanted to up it some more. At this point I quit...He wasn't paying any attention to what was going on with me, just following some formula with the drug being pitched by the pharmaceutical companies that week.
A few years later, right before the ptsd got really bad I decided to go back into therapy, this time with a psychiatrist so he would actually listen to what I was saying. The guy wanted to put me on Celexa and pulled out this tinker toy model of a neurotransmitter reaction (serotonin reuptake inhibition, to be exact) that was right out of the Parke Davis sales kit. It was like Amway or a tupperware party or something. He turned out to be a real jackass and I cursed him out and left mid-session after he did something really unethical concerning my privacy.
After that the ptsd kicked in with the flashbacks and all the other stuff I described yesterday. I didn't want to take any drugs at this point, but we were desperate. My wife did some research and found out some stuff about picking psychiatrists and psychologists and called around, interviewing some people. We finally found a good psychiatrist and therapist. The psychiatrist actually listened to what I said about the previous drugs and tried one that acts on something other than serotonin. So we started with effexor. No side effects from this, but not much in the way of front effects either. I had done some research and suggested we try Naltrexone, a drug used to stop cravings in addicts, thinking that some of my problems (picking and ripping out skin, compulsive masturbation) were maybe related to addiction problems) It helped with those things a little, but not with the main problems.
Then I went to the treatment center I mentioned yesterday, and there they slowly got me on a total cocktail: Effexor, Naltrexone, Wellbutrin, Trazadone to sleep, and zyprexa, an anti-psychotic that finally helped with the flashbacks. Later, we switched the zyprexa to geodon, a related anti-psychotic without some of the side effects. Then a year or so ago, we added seroquel to the mix at night and I worked my way off the trazadone. That helped with the intrusive thinking. So until recently my drug cocktail looked like this: 450mg Welbutrin, 300mg Effexor , 100mg Naltrexone, 140mg Geodon, and 100mg Seroquel. I finally started to get some stability.
My favorite discussion of the drugs is the two anti-psychotics, because the doctors always said it like one word: It is an anti-psychoticbutyournotpsychotic. The flyers for these (the seroquel and the geodon) are kinda scary, because the FDA hasn't approved them for anything but schizophrenia, so that is all they talk about. A little searching around on the web showed anti-psychotics were being tried for ptsd as a "second line" if serotonin-reuptake inhibitors like Prozac and Zoloft didn't work.
Lately I have been trying to cut down some of the dosages. We started with the Geodon, because that made me dopey and gave me a real flat affect. Got that down to 20mg, but the ptsd, depression, and anxiety started to come back so the dose went back up to 40mg. That seems ok. Now We are trying reducing the Seroquel, the other real powerful one. I am down to 50mg on that and so far so good.
[update...Feb. 2010. I am off the Seroquel, but had to reintroduce the Trazodon...I know split the lowest dosage pill (5MG?) in half and take one of those to sleep. Just can't seem to sleep otherwise. I take Seroquel about once every three months or so if I have a really bad day and I'm having intrusive thoughts that won't stop through non-chemical means. Most recently, I phased out the Naltrexone, which seemed to make no difference. Earlier, when I tried to get off Effexor, it was a disaster, so that is staying for the foreseeable future. You should read the two posts on Effexor (Battle of the Effexor and Joy of Meds: Effexor withdrawal) BEFORE going on it, though, so you know what you are in for. So now the cocktail is 40mg Geodon, 150mg Effexor, 300mg Wellbutrin, and 2.5mg Trazodone.] Mazeltof!
What is it like taking so many drugs? My sex drive changed a lot...It kind of went to hell for the most part, but the compulsive parts stopped too, so its a mixed bag. It takes me a year to pee -- no water pressure, -- and I am constantly mildly constipated (sorry for the details). People have noticed I am a lot livelier since cutting down on the geodon, so that is good. Ultimately I'd love to be off them all, but that might not work, and at this point I am willing to face that rather than facing a return to the worst of the ptsd symptoms.
It kind of sucks to have gotten sober for so long and then be reliant on drugs to be able to function, but that is the way it goes. Anyway, any 12-stepper who actually reads the literature knows that if a doctor tells you to take a medicine that you take it, as directed, which is what I do. Some 12 step folks think it is cheating or a cop out, but they don't have to scrape me up off the floor after a flashback either so they can go s....well never mind.
For me, the point of all this is that it paid off to be persistent in finding good people to help me and to have some really supportive people around. I have been really lucky that way. 12 step people talked about being there, but weren't. I was sober for a long time and it freaked people out that I was having problems. Some of them were nice and understanding, but the people that took care of me for real had nothing to do with 12 step programs. They just talked the talk with me and seldom came through. I don't want to get too down on the program, because it did save my life earlier, but it also really screwed me up in terms of trauma and recovery from it. Maybe I'll go into that some other time.
Also, I am privileged. I am at a point in life where not only do I have people that care about me enough to give me the support I need (a lot less these days), but I have insurance to cover the therapy and the real expensive drugs, and found the financial wherewithal to go to treatment even when it wasn't covered by insurance (even though we went into lots of credit card and family debt...my wife's family...my family wouldn't acknowledge that there was a problem). If I hadn't gotten those things, I'd probably be dead, locked up, or homeless. So I am pretty privileged to be walking around and functioning like a regular human being, and I think about that when I see people who are homeless or down and out. That's something I'll have more to say on at some point.
Anyway, if you have read this far, thanks! Let me know that you read it, ok?
Thursday, November 10, 2005
ptsd and me
OK, the description by the title says a lot about what I want to do here, but let me tell you a little about me. I'm a white guy (but a bit of a race traitor), mid-40s, good job that I'll never get rich from but pays the bills and is fun. I'm happily married, live in a beautiful place, and life is pretty good -- when I can be present for it.
I also have severe, chronic, complex, delayed onset ptsd. It makes my life challenging, but now that I know what it is, I at least have a handle on what was and is happening to me. PTSD is of course, post-traumatic stress disorder. Let me go through the other parts.
Severe? The last major run-in with it put me out of work for over a year. I had about 120 flashbacks over the course of about seven weeks, what get called pseudo-seizures -- they look like regular seizures but I remained somewhat conscious and aware of my surroundings, though sometimes delusional about that. When I came out of them I wouldn't know what day it was or be able to remember how long ago they happened. Maybe I'll go into more detail about them sometime, but they totally freaked us (my wife and me) out. We had no idea what these were or what to do about them at first.
There was more: intense crying jags, incredible bodily pain (I had an operation for hemorrhoids, which is supposed to be about the most painful recovery you can imagine, and ptsd was worse -- though I wouldn't want to repeat either), and something called intrusive thinking...memories of traumatic events triggered by anything, everything, and nothing; lost forty pounds, couldn't sleep, sex life totally fucked up (part of my trauma is sexual abuse, something I'm still trying to deal with), couldn't focus enough to read, self harm (ripping chunks of flesh out for example), and there was probably more I cannot remember. Ummm, no fun.
We (actually, mostly my partner) did a lot of research when the flashbacks started and I ended up in a treatment center for ptsd (Here's another good one, and a comprehensive list for the US). It didn't cure me, but it gave me some tools to help manage things. Slowly, with lots of medication (which I struggled against), therapy, and lifestyle changes, some of the harsher symptoms have gotten better over the past few years.
Chronic? I have come to realize that I have had some version of ptsd for most of my life, but it has been treated and mistreated and outright abused under a bunch of different names.
Complex? Well, let's see...It starts with childhood sexual abuse (which I still struggle with identifying because as a kid I normalized it and my family of origin is in complete denial -- so much so that I am no longer in touch with them -- too crazy-making), neglect, emotional and verbal abuse, depression, and substance abuse. I left home at a young age and added physical abuse and more sexual abuse onto that from street life. I developed a nasty drug and alcohol addiction, something pretty common for ptsd sufferers (I've been clean now for more than twenty years, but other addictive behaviors have haunted me) and became occasionally homeless. The depression continued, I was suicidal. Substance addictions, sexual acting out (nothing violent, but stuff that I'm ashamed of) combined with intense isolation and loneliness contributed to having a really miserable existence.
After getting clean in 12 step programs, my attraction to sick, twisted people (also part of my ptsd) caused more trauma, some of it worse than the substance abuse addiction. Cult abuse, some serious, life changing betrayals by people I trusted and opened up to, suicide attempts, two three-week stays in the loony bin: I wasn't getting the "happy, joyous, and free" promised by 12 step programs. For their part, 12-steppers (and I guess my own internalized twelve step training) often blamed me when things didn't work, saying I was just not doing things right somehow rather than seeing something was wrong that the program couldn't -- and wasn't designed to -- fix.
Severe spiritual and therapist abuse compounded the traumas rather than treating them. This has been a major challenge in my recovery from ptsd. Trust is a problem. A lot of times I don't even trust that the world is not going to disappear beneath my feet. On bad days, every step is an adventure, like walking on a rotted out rooftop or thin ice.
So yeah, its complex.
Delayed onset? The flashbacks started nine years after the events that caused them, long after I was supposedly "over it." In hindsight, I was displaying symptoms of ptsd the whole time, but no one recognized them as such. I got diagnosed with depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and a few other things and got put on whatever drugs the pharmaceutical companies were plugging that week with awful results.
I thought I was a sex addict and went to those meetings for a while, but they all had sex with other people. My problem was with porn and compulsive masturbation. I used this as a painkiller because nothing else worked and I was not about to give up sobriety -- too scared of people to act out any other way. Sometimes internet porn would eat up whole days every day. It is something I still struggle with and will write about more, but I didn't feel safe or supported in the twelve step rooms for sex addicts. My sponsor there was hitting on me under the guise of male intimacy and spirituality and others were perpetrators of stuff that I had been a victim of and were having a hard time seeing it as a problem. Not a safe place for me.
I'm actually pretty fed up with twelve step programs even though at the time I got sober they no doubt saved my life. Here's what one study (.pdf file) has to say about it:
I also have severe, chronic, complex, delayed onset ptsd. It makes my life challenging, but now that I know what it is, I at least have a handle on what was and is happening to me. PTSD is of course, post-traumatic stress disorder. Let me go through the other parts.
Severe? The last major run-in with it put me out of work for over a year. I had about 120 flashbacks over the course of about seven weeks, what get called pseudo-seizures -- they look like regular seizures but I remained somewhat conscious and aware of my surroundings, though sometimes delusional about that. When I came out of them I wouldn't know what day it was or be able to remember how long ago they happened. Maybe I'll go into more detail about them sometime, but they totally freaked us (my wife and me) out. We had no idea what these were or what to do about them at first.
There was more: intense crying jags, incredible bodily pain (I had an operation for hemorrhoids, which is supposed to be about the most painful recovery you can imagine, and ptsd was worse -- though I wouldn't want to repeat either), and something called intrusive thinking...memories of traumatic events triggered by anything, everything, and nothing; lost forty pounds, couldn't sleep, sex life totally fucked up (part of my trauma is sexual abuse, something I'm still trying to deal with), couldn't focus enough to read, self harm (ripping chunks of flesh out for example), and there was probably more I cannot remember. Ummm, no fun.
We (actually, mostly my partner) did a lot of research when the flashbacks started and I ended up in a treatment center for ptsd (Here's another good one, and a comprehensive list for the US). It didn't cure me, but it gave me some tools to help manage things. Slowly, with lots of medication (which I struggled against), therapy, and lifestyle changes, some of the harsher symptoms have gotten better over the past few years.
Chronic? I have come to realize that I have had some version of ptsd for most of my life, but it has been treated and mistreated and outright abused under a bunch of different names.
Complex? Well, let's see...It starts with childhood sexual abuse (which I still struggle with identifying because as a kid I normalized it and my family of origin is in complete denial -- so much so that I am no longer in touch with them -- too crazy-making), neglect, emotional and verbal abuse, depression, and substance abuse. I left home at a young age and added physical abuse and more sexual abuse onto that from street life. I developed a nasty drug and alcohol addiction, something pretty common for ptsd sufferers (I've been clean now for more than twenty years, but other addictive behaviors have haunted me) and became occasionally homeless. The depression continued, I was suicidal. Substance addictions, sexual acting out (nothing violent, but stuff that I'm ashamed of) combined with intense isolation and loneliness contributed to having a really miserable existence.
After getting clean in 12 step programs, my attraction to sick, twisted people (also part of my ptsd) caused more trauma, some of it worse than the substance abuse addiction. Cult abuse, some serious, life changing betrayals by people I trusted and opened up to, suicide attempts, two three-week stays in the loony bin: I wasn't getting the "happy, joyous, and free" promised by 12 step programs. For their part, 12-steppers (and I guess my own internalized twelve step training) often blamed me when things didn't work, saying I was just not doing things right somehow rather than seeing something was wrong that the program couldn't -- and wasn't designed to -- fix.
Severe spiritual and therapist abuse compounded the traumas rather than treating them. This has been a major challenge in my recovery from ptsd. Trust is a problem. A lot of times I don't even trust that the world is not going to disappear beneath my feet. On bad days, every step is an adventure, like walking on a rotted out rooftop or thin ice.
So yeah, its complex.
Delayed onset? The flashbacks started nine years after the events that caused them, long after I was supposedly "over it." In hindsight, I was displaying symptoms of ptsd the whole time, but no one recognized them as such. I got diagnosed with depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and a few other things and got put on whatever drugs the pharmaceutical companies were plugging that week with awful results.
I thought I was a sex addict and went to those meetings for a while, but they all had sex with other people. My problem was with porn and compulsive masturbation. I used this as a painkiller because nothing else worked and I was not about to give up sobriety -- too scared of people to act out any other way. Sometimes internet porn would eat up whole days every day. It is something I still struggle with and will write about more, but I didn't feel safe or supported in the twelve step rooms for sex addicts. My sponsor there was hitting on me under the guise of male intimacy and spirituality and others were perpetrators of stuff that I had been a victim of and were having a hard time seeing it as a problem. Not a safe place for me.
I'm actually pretty fed up with twelve step programs even though at the time I got sober they no doubt saved my life. Here's what one study (.pdf file) has to say about it:
Messages in substance abuse treatment such as Dont work on the PTSD until youve been clean for a year or Substance abuse is the only problem you need to focus on, while well-intentioned, can be perceived as invalidating of clients trauma history. . . clients and clinicians report that when a client has PTSD, getting clean and sober is a bigger hurdle and such traditional methods may not work as well. For example, the tendency for PTSD memories and feelings to worsen as clients get clean is a common phenomenon. . . . Sadly, clients with the dual diagnosis of PTSD and substance abuse have worse outcomes than those with either disorder alone, and may internalize a sense of failure when they do not succeed in standard treatment programs that work for others. Feeling crazy, lazy, or bad is common-- a sense of demoralization, self-blame, and a feeling of something being terribly wrong with them. . . . initial evidence suggests that working on PTSD and substance abuse in an integrated fashion results in positive outcomes in both of these disorders, as well as related areas. Contrary to older views, treating both PTSD and substance abuse at the same time appears to help clients with their substance abuse recovery, rather than derailing them from attaining abstinence.
I got sober under the "older" model. Against the odds, I didn't pick up. When people at the treatment center heard my story, they were amazed that I stayed sober through it. But drugs and alcohol were a hell I didn't want to go back to.
Anyway, that's a little of my "war story." One last thing for now: I have talked to people who have combat ptsd, and the symptoms don't seem a whole lot different, even if the causes seem different. My ptsd is pretty un-macho, though, so if that offends or you can't deal or you think I just need to get over it, maybe you need to look elsewhere or start your own blog. I have no desire to play the ptsd version of what Elizabeth Martinez calls the "oppression olympics."
I guess the next thing I'll do is post some links. Leave a comment if you read this, let me know someone is there.
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