Sticky: Guide to the blog

Latest Post: alternatives to 12 step and why addiction recovery is crucial to PTSD recovery

New! Now you can subscribe to PTSD and Me to keep up with new posts and comments.

This is sort of the "best of" section where I'll link to the blog entries people seem to read the most. Perhaps I ought to have a page on "What is PTSD" but lots of others have already done that, so I'll just my favorite, a glossary from the Sidhran Institute [link checked 7/12/20].

Two notes before we begin.  First, I am not a professional.  I have kept this blog to share my experience with PTSD, but I cannot help you directly if you are suffering from PTSD.  I only check in here intermittently and it breaks my heart to see someone plea for help and get no response.  Please, if you are in crisis, call 911.  If you are looking for treatment or direct help, please contact the Sidran Institute. They are an excellent resource and can help you find appropriate treatment.  If you are finding out about PTSD in yourself or another and want to know what my experience has been, read on.

Second, if you make comments that contain negative statements about people at various facilities by name, I will not publish them.  Stay general, and even say there are problematic people to avoid, but no names.  Probably best to leave out names of people you consider praiseworthy too.  Self-promoting comments or links to link farms or anything that is the least bit suspicious will be deleted.  I err on the side of caution.  That said, there is a wonderful compendium of knowledge and wisdom in the comments, so thank you to all who have shared there over the years, and please feel free to continue commenting as you see fit.  They are one of the great rewards of writing this blog!

People in crisis often want to know where they can get help. Grounding exercises for PTSD can help get us through the short term. Here is a way of finding US and global treatment centers that specialize in PTSD. That is of course assuming you are privileged enough to have access to these resources. Not everyone is. And in case I forget next winter, here are some tips on PTSD and the holidays.  One of the most disturbing symptoms of PTSD is flashbacks, especially when they result in "non-epilectic seizures" or what a doctor might have called "pseudo-seizures," though there is nothing "pseudo" about them.

If you are looking to help a loved one diagnosed with PTSD, you might want to read my open letter to someone looking to help a loved one with PTSD. My partner, who is a key part of my loving and supportive network of friends, has been absolutely critical to my ongoing recovery, and I share some of the ways she has both helped me when I could not help myself and some of the unfortunate costs she has paid as a result of my PTSD.  It is a hard road, but we have come through stronger than ever, so there is hope.

Picking a therapist can be difficult for someone with PTSD, because often times the PTSD itself messes with our pickers. Through necessity and trial and error and generous borrowing of other people's wisdom, I've come up with a brief subjective guide on how to choose a therapist for ptsd. It contains links to some other, less subjective guides too.

Along with getting medical and psychological help, medication helped get me stabilized even though I was really resistant to it because of being a recovering addict. I wasn't resistant to trying Effexor, and kind of wish I had been (see Battle of the Effexor and Joy of Meds: Effexor withdrawal) I have quite a bit to say about PTSD and 12-step programs. While 12-step programs saved my life, I found that their one-size-fits-all model did more harm than good after the initial haze of the drugs and alcohol wore off. There is more than one type of addict (and some more on the subject here). And although it claims not to hew any one denominational line, it is based on Christianity in some ways that were harmful to my recovery. I finally decided to leave 12 step approaches, a difficult decision. In hindsight, however, some of the most exploitative folks I ever met were from the halls of twelve step rooms and the addictions recovery industry. Spiritual and psychological abuse are real and create huge barriers to recovery. Just to be sure, I tried a few alternatives to 12 step approaches that were promising but fizzled out, so I tried again, home group and everything,  The results were the same, but magnified in a way that really drove the point home.  For the past few years, I have found an Al-Anon home group that takes care to welcome everyone and not get caught up in "my way or the highway thinking.  It turns out that my main problem, as long as I don't pick up, is not with substances, but with addicted dysfunctional people, so this Al-Anon has turned into a real home group for me. Might not work for everyone, but it is working for me.

Betrayal bonds form a major part of PTSD as I have experienced it, so I've spent a lot of time writing about them. You might have heard of this as Stockholm syndrome. They take a number of different forms. Fully understanding the nature and effects of betrayal was key to beginning my recovery from PTSD. While the guy who wrote the book on betrayal bonds associates them with sexual addiction, I have found this ain't necessarily so.

 If you are interested, I can tell you more about my PTSD. Some days are still rough (skin-crawling, time-wasting, losing time, etc) but I have found a certain amount of recovery, and my life is once again bearable, even enjoyable on good days. And I'm still here, yes still here, and even now, still here.  Partly it depends on which dogs I feed. It also helps to have a loving and supportive network of friends. Oh, and to stay far away from toxic relationships.

One more try with AA. Swing and a miss

 I was looking for something in the way of fellowship for addiction recovery. I tried one of the Buddhist approaches and one of the secular approaches, but both fizzled out. I tried AA again, seeing if maybe that would work if I found the right group. I thought I did, right in my own neighborhood even. Things went well enough I declared it my home group and signed up to do coffee and setup.  A different person picks the speakers each month and unfortunately for me, my last month in this group was ledd by an AA Christian fundmentalist.  Here is my account of what happened in the form of the email I sent the group when I left. 

Hi all, just one last thing...Sorry it is a little long. You all never heard my story, so consider this that, and humor me by hearing me out if you wish.

I spoke with a few of you about leaving last night and I want to be clear so there is no misunderstanding...I’m not leaving because of the speaker, or even the Course of Miracles stuff about angels and whatever. And though I give both of those beliefs a wide berth, I have no problem with other people’s beliefs. My reason for leaving comes from the last speaker of the evening and the truth of what he said.

He said that agnostics like me maybe don’t drink but aren’t in recovery like “we” are by which he meant proper, god-fearing AA, which he called “the Truth” in affirmation of the speakers who preached Christianity prior to him that evening. OK, actually still no problem there, even when he wrapped up that little ball of intolerance and disingenuously labeled it “love.” Sorry dude, not feeling the love over here, but ok, principles before personalities. He also gave all of us, but especially me, since I was the person who identified as agnostic (I am pretty sure he has no idea what that word means), an assignment to read the chapter on the agnostic from the big book. So I re-read the chapter for the Nth time, and it is still an argument of the same type and thinking as that of the birther movement or Creationism, both of which I reject. Still no problem. Take what you want and leave the rest. OK, so let’s see what the google-god tells us about what the agnostics are up to in AA and what AA thinks of them.

It turns out that AA officially accepts agnostics and special interest meetings for agnostics, atheists and so forth (see the Oct. 2016 Grapevine for a whole issue on this). Cool, I’m in. Now where are those meetings? Pull up an Oahu schedule, and there you go, and right there at the top it is, an AG/AT symbol to mark the meetings where we are actually welcome, as opposed to the others, where I guess we are still not welcome. Well ok, ctrl-F, lets find all the AG/AT meetings. Zero. People like me are not welcome at any meetings on the Oahu schedule. OK, if I had infinite time and energy, I could go on a crusade and start one. Maybe I’m just copping out.

But here is the rub. AA has also declared that not a word of the first part of the big book can be changed, so that means that the chapter to the agnostic is considered divinely inspired and infallible in practice, which is what it means that AA declares as Gospel Truth a text written by a bunch of newly sober drunks flying blind in 1938 except for the guidance of a book on religion by William James and a Christian group called the Oxford Group (read Pass it on). The chapter on the agnostic does pretty much say I don’t have real recovery until I have a personal deity.

This, and the comically sexist chapters on “Wives” (stand by your Man) and employers (give Him some slack) are officially considered by AA infallible and unchangeable. It is a baked in principle and actually a dogma that my recovery is "less than," which is odd for a book that closes with the statement that it is “merely suggestive. We know only a little.” So it is a bedrock principle of the book, and the book is considered unchangeable truth, and it says I’m a second class citizen unless I have found God as We – not I – understand Him.

This is fundamentalism, which allows people to cherry pick from a text, do whatever hateful thing they want and call it love and God’s Will and “the Truth,” which is exactly what the last speaker did. And he was right to do so by the AA principle that the Big Book is a an unchanging, infallible, fundamentalist text.

I have severe PTSD from fundamentalists (who come in every shape from followers of some brands of Jesus to New Age stuff to the Course of Miracles stuff artfully spouted at Tuesday’s meeting). It has put me out of work for over a year two times in sobriety, caused two trips to mental hospitals, and one for a residential treatment center for PTSD and addictions where they were amazed that I did not pick up after the stuff I have been through sober.  And, get this! Since meetings were triggering my PTSD, a rehab after verifying that I had no plans of picking up a drink or a drug, actually recommended I stop going to meetings! LOL, I still wonder how many times that has ever happened. Mind you, I had sixteen years under my belt at that time, and I wouldn’t actually take the advice for another year, being a stubborn alcoholic. Now like anyone, I may pick up a drink tonight or get struck with the drunken lightning for not going to meetings, but I’ll try not to do that today, since every good thing in my life depends on staying clean and sober and picking up would do absolutely nothing to make anything better, no matter how bad things seem. If you want to know how to get through a hard day without picking up a drink I can tell you a few things about it. Despite these challenges, I have carved out a good life, one that was beyond my wildest dreams when I came into the rooms.

I have PTSD from people in the program doing abominable things to me and calling it love and God’s will, because they had a personal God and they like to think everything happens according to His plan, so whatever hateful shit they spout and do is actually God’s Will, part of the Plan, and if you don’t get it, it must be because you are not special and chosen, poor soul. Because of how I was raised, in a generations’ deep swamp of alcoholic dysfunction, it has taken me years to figure out that this was their problems that they were dumping me with, not some flaw in me. And certain types of alcoholics from therapists to car salesmen to lovers to predators to sociopaths (not kidding) and to my family of birth look at me and, probably unconsciously except for a sociopath or two that has found me, see an awesome target for some reason I am still working on figuring out and that I am getting much better at avoiding.

So let me sum up here. AA endorses its own peculiar brand of fundamentalism. Some fundamentalists take shit that and run with it. Fundamentalists like this have caused tremendous harm in my life and I seem to have some kind of blind spot and they seem to be able to pick me out easily. Therefore, it does more harm than good for me to continue in AA.

Please be careful to note, I am not saying that everyone in AA or even AA as a whole, is fundamentalist. Only that it endorses its own peculiar brand of fundamentalism that is available to people who, like the last speaker, do take that and run with it. To me there is little in the world more dangerous than an alcoholic who is not drinking, has his or her wits about them, and Knows The Truth for sure. I saw this in the previous week’s meeting and its homogeneously uniformed and disciplined AA team following a charismatic leader, but I set it aside in the name of tolerance. This last meeting was not my cup of tea, but as I shared at that meeting, I actually think it is great that everyone from a follower of Jesus to someone like me who does not have the dubious luxury of such certainty, can all figure out a way to get sober together, which none of us could do on our own. I did have a major problem with the last speaker’s statement that without a personal deity you are not really sober, but I can do principles over personalities. The problem is that when I explored the principles, that brand of exclusive, intolerant faith is not only encouraged, but considered infallible. At that point, I’m done, and I have a better understanding of why I seem to run into so many people who see me as target practice rather than a fellow human.  I'm actually grateful for that last bit, as I understand it a little better now.

I have not met anyone in the group who has been anything other than lovely to me in my short time with the group. I seriously mean that. I think the last guy was a hateful ass, but I didn’t even see who it was. You’ll have that all over the world, not just in AA, so whatever, it is not really more than a passing bit of anger of the everyday sort one has to work through wherever they are anyway.

The principle is the problem. I am not up to fighting against it, and there are other things I can do in my life to be there for the still suffering alcoholic than try to make AA into my image of it. I found this out in my seventeen years away from AA but not recovery: there are plenty of people like me. I am one of the fortunate ones, who like you has been able to get in recovery and build a good life which completely depends on that recovery. Plenty of others – I think one in ten actually sticks around in AA and achieves sobriety that way – still struggle and many of them feel excluded for reasons similar to mine for leaving. Through the gift of anonymity, I have corresponded literally with hundreds of them with lots more behind each person I have been fortunate enough to talk to. They make me understand that I am not alone and that my recovery is just fine, and I am grateful for that, and them, and you all, and fortunate every day. Recovery, I have found out, is not a monopoly enterprise. We do “know only a little,” so it makes no sense to me to declare a solution with a ten-percent success rate to be infallible dogma. Especially when it does tremendous harm in my life and others. But AA does exactly that. That’s why I am leaving. But I am glad it works for you.  

So you guys never heard my story but there is a little of it. Anyway, like I said, I live in the neighborhood, so if you see me at the ABC store say hi please, and if a green Subaru sedan honks at you as I drive around the block to my place, it means, “Hi,” Not “get out of the road and quit smoking ya bums. What the hell kind of church is that anyway.” 

An open letter to someone looking to help a loved one with ptsd

Hi,

Since you did not post anonymously and wanted to get a hold of me I won't publish your comment but will respond to your email.  If you want to repost anonymously, you might get some help that way too, so if it comes through again anonymously I'll publish the comment.  I never had Electro Convulsive Therapy (ECT), and have heard nightmarish stories about it, even in the new and improved version.  If it is not having a helpful effect, please reconsider it!

First off, sorry to hear you and your wife are having such a tough time.  When I went through the worst of the flashbacks and other stuff I was very difficult to deal with and a real burden.  I am fortunate my wife recognized what was going on as similar to what happens to battered women (she had done some work in the domestic violence field) and people who have been abused, but we had no idea when it went down what PTSD or flashbacks were.  It was incredibly frightening...I thought I had just gone crazy.  That is why I publish the blog, so that if people are hunting around they will know that what is happening is not unique and that there are ways through it.  The only way out, unfortunately, is through.

It put me out of work for 1 and 1/2 yrs, and I had to go to inpatient.  We basically maxed out credit cards and borrowed from friends and my wife's family.  Insurance would not cover anything.  I looked into but did not get social security for a disability, we were too busy with the symptoms to be able to go through with that when it actually could have helped.  My family of origin was in such denial they did not help and went on a sort of in-the-family PR campaign to discredit me and my wife.  I don't talk to them at all any more.  That whole things was weird, because the immediate causes of my ptsd were not directly anything to do with family other than raising me so I couldn't recognize psychopaths when I encountered them.  We had ok credit but not much income at the time and basically maxed out the 0% introductory offers and juggled them around for a couple of years before paying them off.  No fun, but it worked.

If you can go that route, do careful research on the place.  I went to Life Healing Center in New Mexico.  Some people, like me, have gotten a lot out of it, others, not so much.  It did not cure me, but it did give me enough tools to manage the worst of the symptoms and set up a structure of recovery, which slowly happened (with lots of work from me) over the next five years.  I have not had a flashback in bout five years, but I know that seems like forever from the other side.  With help though, it can and does get better.  Without help it will not ever get better, and would have resulted in incapacitation, institutionalization, and death for me if left untreated any longer.  It kills lots of people through suicides and addictions, and the stigma prevents the experience from helping others.

About the careful research, look at the comprehensive list of treatment centers.   You might contact Life Healing Center and ask where to go or what you can do.  They were supportive when we called.  The Sidran Institute that is listed at the top of that page serves as a clearinghouse of info and advice on getting help with PTSD.  They have a great help desk.  I would also check "how to choose a therapist" on the blog.  While setting up longer term plans, try to get short term support in place.  If Kaiser will pay for therapy, try to get a referral for PTSD.  There are lots of positively harmful mental health professionals, I would say the majority of them, so if you get a bad vibe with one try another.  It is not you!  Other people I know on Kaiser have managed by trial and error to keep trying the therapist they assign and if that one does not work ask for another.  Make the first session an interview.  You may want to attend with your wife, because if she is now like I was a few years ago, I would pick abusive therapists!  Ultimately though it has to be someone she feels she can work with, so you can only support, not do it for her. But she has a right to get appropriate treatment specific to her case, and might need help to do that.

Kaiser may want to do an economy one-size fits all solution, but you have the right to get the help you guys need.  Especially be careful with psychiatrists prescribing meds.  If you get a sense they are just prescribing this week's pharmaceutical company offering and not listening to you either before during or after you start on meds, clear out fast!  I'd say psychiatrists approach closer to 90% incompetent.  I really had to hunt to get a good one that would actually listen.  My wife helped me find a good one, and the "how to pick a shrink" page is what we learned about how to find one and interview her or him.  Meds are an important part of my recovery today though.  But if one gets overmedicated, it is just zombifying, and if your wife gets on the wrong meds and the psychiatrist does not listen, it is horrible.

Also, check the laws in your state.  In my state, major depression, which I had from the PTSD, qualified for more intensive treatment and the insurance company had to pay for unlimited sessions, not just the usual 24/yr or whatever.  The insurance company of course will not tell you this, so check the laws and the fine print of your policy on it.  I went twice a week sometimes when things were just starting to get better.

If there is addictive behavior involved, tread very carefully around 12 step programs.  They have little to no understanding of trauma issues and even if it works for the addiction, like it did for me (I went to 12-step groups for 16 years), the cure can be worse than the ailment, and charlatans and @$$holes abound.  That is not to say don't use it as a resource if it works for halting the addictions, because the addiction, particularly to drugs or alcohol, will prevent any progress in recovering from the ptsd.  Just don't drink the kool-aid that says it is a cure-all and if you are not happy joyous and free in 6 months you are doing it wrong.  That is positively harmful and very prevalent.  Get help with the PTSD elsewhere.

With that said, a number of treatment centers are incorporating trauma work into their inpatient programs.  The meadows in Arizona and the Caron Foundation rehabs in PA are two examples.  Places that work with trauma primarily often won't take a person with substance abuse issues until they have come through a rehab for that.  When I went to Life Healing Center I was already 16 years sober and had to do a bit of convincing to get in without having to go through another drug and alcohol rehab!  Without the sobriety, the other work is impossible.

I am forever grateful that my wife and my friends I had made outside of 12 step groups came through and stuck with me.  I did get better over time and returned to being a more-or-less fully functioning adult again.  It was (and still is) a long slow process, but things do get better.  My wife was for me when I was not, when I was hopeless, she supplied the hope, and we came out the other side of it fine after some couples counseling.  Don't underestimate the strain on yourself and inequitability of what is happening.  It is not fair that you should be stuck cleaning up trauma that you had nothing to do with, and Christian strategies of turning the other cheek and repressing anger will backfire, coming out sideways and destructive.  It is a tremendous strain to live with someone going through PTSD, to the point they have a name for it, secondary PTSD.  So please, if you are going to support your wife, remember that you need to take care of yourself ultimately too.  That can get lost in the cycle of crisis, but it is crucial if you are to be supportive and if the relationship is going to come through in the long run.  It can and does happen, even if it seems hopeless now.  Having come out the other side, it was an awful expereince, but once we sorted things out, with a lot of emotional work from both of us and short term guidance from a good couples therapist when we got stuck, we are stronger in the relationship than ever, and I owe my recovery in large part to my wife's unstinting support.    I'm not advocating martyrdom though, please be clear.  I had to work hard at my recovery and do a lot of work in restoring the relationship.  If I had not done that work, even when I saw no point in it, nothing would have gotten better between us.

I hope this is of some help.  I know PTSD is terrifying and awful, so please hang in there.  All the struggles and hardships paid off for us in the long run and I hope they do for you too.  I'll probably post this as an open letter on the blog without hooking it up to your comment.  Thank you for writing.

exploitative folks in 12 step programs and elsewhere

Once again, somebody's comments sparked a post from what started as a simple response. Anon, thanks for your comments on this page and and on the "type A&B" page. In a nutshell, she said thanks for the heads up as she tended to trust 12 step folks blindly and had not realized there were some exploitative types in the rooms.

I really need to tread a fine line...AA and 12 step programs saved my life at one time, but nearly cost it another. I managed to get sober there when I could not under my own steam no matter how hard I tried. I'm forever grateful for that, because it has made the rest of my life possible, painful as parts have been.

That said, the most manipulative, scheming, two faced, fair weather friend type people I have ever met, straight or high, have been in 12 step programs or the addictions recovery field. I had the blind trust anon talks about -- after all, these people had literally saved my life and I knew it! And there are some great, decent, and honest people in AA. There are also used car salesmen (I bought a lemon from a guy who used 12-speak and AA "seniority" to get me to trust him when making a purchase I wished I hadn't), spiritual abusers ("when I f&%*ed you over it was God's will"), therapists ( did anyone ever notice that the word spells "the rapist?" -- just kidding sort of...while several of my therapists were akin to rapists, others I have learned to choose have been remarkably helpful) willing to rip up families to make a few thousand bucks, even to the point of driving the abandoned ones to suicide ("oh she was messed up...good thing he left her when he did!"), and this is before even getting to romantic relationships, where as I said, because of my tendency toward trauma repetition, and never having been around healthy people to know any better, and my blind trust in 12 step folk, I got involved with the sickest most twisted people I have ever met in my life. I'm still trying to sort it out 15-20 years later!

I would never tell anyone to avoid all relationships with recovering people...there are some healthy ones I am sure (plus I'm one!), but tread carefully! Trust slowly and cautiously if at all. Trust is earned and provisional, based on actions not words, and not granted eternally, just for now. Pay attention...don't disregard your common sense and intuition...a major part of my recovery has been to slowly reclaim those things...if it looks too good to be true, it probably is.

The thing is, I was so needy and vulnerable, even 5-6 years into recovery, that I ignored all this and rather than waiting and going slowly, I dove in and trusted blindly because I did not know how to develop earned trust over time rather than just give it or withhold it arbitrarily. As a result, I got in traumatic relationships again and again (twice in recovery, to be exact) that I am still struggling with much later. They very nearly cost me my life. They did cost hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost work time when I just could not function because of the results of them. They caused unbearable and completely unnecessary pain and a number of trips to psyche wards and a trauma treatment center. When I have told people the details, they have been amazed that I didn't pick up over this stuff...many just assumed I had. One person I respect a lot, an earth person (i.e., not in 12 step programs) said the last perpetrator was an emotional rapist.

But honestly, I don't know if I could have taken the advice I am giving now, because I was stubborn and thought if I did not get somebody *now* I'd be alone forever. Looking back, I would have been better off alone, but I needed to learn it the hard way I guess. And even today, knowing what I know, I don't know that if I were single and put in the same situation I wouldn't repeat my mistake again. I like to think I have learned better, but I don't know that. I am just glad I am in a healthy non-abusive relationship for a long time and don't have to face that particular weakness in myself.

It is a funny thing...the healthy relationship didn't come with all the drama, risk, and emotional highs -- or lows -- that the sick relationships did, so it took me literally years to figure out that all that drama and ball of hurt I was used to was not an intrinsic part of human relationships! I thought I was missing something and I guess I was. To be honest I missed the rush, just like a drug, but also to be honest, I have learned I certainly don't miss the consequences.

I just have to say, over the few years I have intermittently written this blog, I have been continuously gratified that there are other people who understand. One of the worst parts of my PTSD was thinking I was alone and hopeless and crazy. So thank you to all of you who have commented over the years. You keep me thinking and writing about this stuff, which helps me work stuff through, and I am grateful that something helpful to others has come out of something so insufferable.

ptsd and me

OK, the description by the title says a lot about what I want to do here, but let me tell you a little about me. I'm a white guy (but a bit of a race traitor), mid-40s, good job that I'll never get rich from but pays the bills and is fun. I'm happily married, live in a beautiful place, and life is pretty good -- when I can be present for it.

I also have severe, chronic, complex, delayed onset ptsd. It makes my life challenging, but now that I know what it is, I at least have a handle on what was and is happening to me. PTSD is of course, post-traumatic stress disorder. Let me go through the other parts.

Severe? The last major run-in with it put me out of work for over a year. I had about 120 flashbacks over the course of about seven weeks, what get called pseudo-seizures -- they look like regular seizures but I remained somewhat conscious and aware of my surroundings, though sometimes delusional about that. When I came out of them I wouldn't know what day it was or be able to remember how long ago they happened. Maybe I'll go into more detail about them sometime, but they totally freaked us (my wife and me) out. We had no idea what these were or what to do about them at first.

There was more: intense crying jags, incredible bodily pain (I had an operation for hemorrhoids, which is supposed to be about the most painful recovery you can imagine, and ptsd was worse -- though I wouldn't want to repeat either), and something called intrusive thinking...memories of traumatic events triggered by anything, everything, and nothing; lost forty pounds, couldn't sleep, sex life totally fucked up (part of my trauma is sexual abuse, something I'm still trying to deal with), couldn't focus enough to read, self harm (ripping chunks of flesh out for example), and there was probably more I cannot remember. Ummm, no fun.

We (actually, mostly my partner) did a lot of research when the flashbacks started and I ended up in a treatment center for ptsd (Here's another good one, and a comprehensive list for the US). It didn't cure me, but it gave me some tools to help manage things. Slowly, with lots of medication (which I struggled against), therapy, and lifestyle changes, some of the harsher symptoms have gotten better over the past few years.

Chronic? I have come to realize that I have had some version of ptsd for most of my life, but it has been treated and mistreated and outright abused under a bunch of different names.

Complex? Well, let's see...It starts with childhood sexual abuse (which I still struggle with identifying because as a kid I normalized it and my family of origin is in complete denial -- so much so that I am no longer in touch with them -- too crazy-making), neglect, emotional and verbal abuse, depression, and substance abuse. I left home at a young age and added physical abuse and more sexual abuse onto that from street life. I developed a nasty drug and alcohol addiction, something pretty common for ptsd sufferers (I've been clean now for more than twenty years, but other addictive behaviors have haunted me) and became occasionally homeless. The depression continued, I was suicidal. Substance addictions, sexual acting out (nothing violent, but stuff that I'm ashamed of) combined with intense isolation and loneliness contributed to having a really miserable existence.

After getting clean in 12 step programs, my attraction to sick, twisted people (also part of my ptsd) caused more trauma, some of it worse than the substance abuse addiction. Cult abuse, some serious, life changing betrayals by people I trusted and opened up to, suicide attempts, two three-week stays in the loony bin: I wasn't getting the "happy, joyous, and free" promised by 12 step programs. For their part, 12-steppers (and I guess my own internalized twelve step training) often blamed me when things didn't work, saying I was just not doing things right somehow rather than seeing something was wrong that the program couldn't -- and wasn't designed to -- fix.

Severe spiritual and therapist abuse compounded the traumas rather than treating them. This has been a major challenge in my recovery from ptsd. Trust is a problem. A lot of times I don't even trust that the world is not going to disappear beneath my feet. On bad days, every step is an adventure, like walking on a rotted out rooftop or thin ice.

So yeah, its complex.

Delayed onset? The flashbacks started nine years after the events that caused them, long after I was supposedly "over it." In hindsight, I was displaying symptoms of ptsd the whole time, but no one recognized them as such. I got diagnosed with depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and a few other things and got put on whatever drugs the pharmaceutical companies were plugging that week with awful results.

I thought I was a sex addict and went to those meetings for a while, but they all had sex with other people. My problem was with porn and compulsive masturbation. I used this as a painkiller because nothing else worked and I was not about to give up sobriety -- too scared of people to act out any other way. Sometimes internet porn would eat up whole days every day. It is something I still struggle with and will write about more, but I didn't feel safe or supported in the twelve step rooms for sex addicts. My sponsor there was hitting on me under the guise of male intimacy and spirituality and others were perpetrators of stuff that I had been a victim of and were having a hard time seeing it as a problem. Not a safe place for me.

I'm actually pretty fed up with twelve step programs even though at the time I got sober they no doubt saved my life. Here's what one study (.pdf file) has to say about it:

Messages in substance abuse treatment such as Dont work on the PTSD until youve been clean for a year or Substance abuse is the only problem you need to focus on, while well-intentioned, can be perceived as invalidating of clients trauma history. . . clients and clinicians report that when a client has PTSD, getting clean and sober is a bigger hurdle and such traditional methods may not work as well. For example, the tendency for PTSD memories and feelings to worsen as clients get clean is a common phenomenon. . . . Sadly, clients with the dual diagnosis of PTSD and substance abuse have worse outcomes than those with either disorder alone, and may internalize a sense of failure when they do not succeed in standard treatment programs that work for others. Feeling crazy, lazy, or bad is common-- a sense of demoralization, self-blame, and a feeling of something being terribly wrong with them. . . . initial evidence suggests that working on PTSD and substance abuse in an integrated fashion results in positive outcomes in both of these disorders, as well as related areas. Contrary to older views, treating both PTSD and substance abuse at the same time appears to help clients with their substance abuse recovery, rather than derailing them from attaining abstinence.

I got sober under the "older" model. Against the odds, I didn't pick up. When people at the treatment center heard my story, they were amazed that I stayed sober through it. But drugs and alcohol were a hell I didn't want to go back to.

Anyway, that's a little of my "war story." One last thing for now: I have talked to people who have combat ptsd, and the symptoms don't seem a whole lot different, even if the causes seem different. My ptsd is pretty un-macho, though, so if that offends or you can't deal or you think I just need to get over it, maybe you need to look elsewhere or start your own blog. I have no desire to play the ptsd version of what Elizabeth Martinez calls the "oppression olympics."

I guess the next thing I'll do is post some links. Leave a comment if you read this, let me know someone is there.